becoming a mother: sadia from hdydi

I'm honored to have Sadia's as my second guest post for becoming a mother.

Sadia is the power behind the How Do You Do It? blog and community, where mothers of multiples tell it like it is. She has lived in the United Kingdom and Bangladesh, but now calls the United States home. She is the divorced mother of profoundly gifted 9-year-old identical twin daughters, who keep her on her toes. You can find Sadia regularly at How Do You Do It?, occasionally at BlogHer, or catch her on Twitter, Facebook, or Google+.  Here is her story.

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A dear friend recently reminded me of my childhood declaration that I would never have children. "None of us believed you," she told me. "You couldn't see a baby without melting." She reminded me of a school trip when we were 17. Our school group was stuck in an airport due to poor weather. I spied a mother traveling with an infant and toddler, struggling to hold one and feed the other in uncomfortable airport seating. Although we didn't share a language, I managed to offer my assistance. I snuggled the baby, giving the mother's arms and divided attention a break. Not the behaviour of your typical 17­-year-­old traveling with a group of peers.

My intention to avoid motherhood had nothing to do with not liking children. Quite the opposite. I didn't want to have children because I my protective instinct was overpowering. I didn't believe that I could meet my own expectations of what a good mother should be. My own mother certainly couldn’t. I thought that any child deserved better than what I could provide.

Once I left home for university, I was able to see how dysfunctional and emotionally abusive my family had been . Time in counseling healed many wounds that I hadn't even realized were there.
I wasn't confident enough in my healing to consider becoming a parent. Children of alcoholics and abusers often follow in their parents’ footsteps, despite intentions to be different. I was certain that I'd already proven myself to be a terrible mother. My mother had left me for a year, a rejection I internalized, when I was 8 years old. I knew how much that hurt, but I left my sister for university for four years when she was 7.

I told my (now ex-) husband that motherhood was off the table when we got married. He initially told me that he was okay with choosing to be childless. Soon, though, his tune changed. He thought I would be a great mom. He couldn't see why I wouldn't want kids of my own after seeing me interact with friends'. In frustration, I contacted a therapist, expecting her to explain to my husband that an abused child had no choice but to become an abusive mother.

Much to my surprise, the process of therapy let me see that I was wrong . I wasn't destined to become my mother. I could be a mother of my own invention, with self-awareness and agency. I hadn’t failed my sister. I had been a child myself.

Over the course of counseling, I simultaneously broke from my past and created my parenting philosophy. My therapist mentioned Bruno Bettelheim's book A Good Enough Parent . I found the book too theoretical and dense to be of practical use, but its title spoke to the core of me. My children needed me only to be good enough . I shouldn’t aim for perfection. Such an effort would teach my kids that only perfection was acceptable . What I really want them to know is that mistakes and failures are necessary for growth and learning. I committed to practice what I call transparent parenting . I would be purposeful and open in my parenting choices, reacting by intellect with the long view in mind. My goal was to raise adults who could be successful by their own definitions of success. I would admit it when I made mistakes and change course when needed.

I finally realized that everything was in place. My demons were vanquished. My confidence was strong. My depression symptoms were nowhere in sight. My parenting approach was coherent and complete. I was ready for motherhood.

I told my husband I was ready to have a baby. I booked the first available medical appointment to discuss how to prepare my body for pregnancy. We started weaning me off antidepressants. I didn't want to be taking them during pregnancy . My therapist and I came up with a plan to identify and address any symptoms of postpartum depression that I might experience. I started taking prenatal supplements while staying on birth control. I had surgery to fix my bunions. It was all part of the plan.

Once we started trying, I got pregnant quite quickly, and thoroughly too: with twins .

I talked to parents of multiples and adult twins about the specifics of the identical twin experience. I was committed to fostering individuality and would avoid treating my daughters as a matched set . Their personalities made it easy to think of them as individuals. Where one baby was a constant flurry of activity, the other seemed to kick only in response to her sister's prodding.

I prepared for the physical realities of caring for two infants and beyond. I consumed everything I could find on breastfeeding twins, transporting twins, and coordinating schedules. I became an expert on the arguments for and against placing twins in the same classroom. I knew that adolescence might be especially challenging for my daughters, as they individuated not only from us parents, but also from each other.

Once they were born , the babies weren't shy about their different preferences. J liked a tight swaddle, with one arm loose. M like to be bound a little looser, but with both arms down. As soon as I laid them side-by-side at home, something we hadn't been able to do in the hospital, they sought each other out. I realized that all my concern for individualization had caused me to miss an enormous truth. Individualism was important, of course, but so was their twin relationship.  While my planning and research gave me the confidence to become a mother, my girls have been teaching me how to be the mother they need all their lives.

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Interested in joining the series "becoming a mother?" Contact me by using the form above, or click here .

Each week a new guest post would on the blog. You would introduce yourself and your blog, include the photo below as well as photo of yourself (and your children) and talk about some of the challenges you've faced becoming a mother.  Because your post is the guest post, the full post would be on the host's (sundays with sophie) blog, and a quick blurb would be on yours to say you're posting over at sundays with sophie.

Make sure to included the photo below in your blurb.

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