being a mother: working mom

I've often questioned if what I'm doing is the right thing for Sophie.  Being a working mom is hard.  It really is.  Kyle and I work opposite shifts for a reason, so that Sophie can stay out of daycare, but it takes a toll on our marriage, hardly ever seeing each other and then when we do, spending most of the time tending to Sophie and sleeping to catch up on what sleep we didn't get the night before.

From the moment Sophie was born there was no doubt that I was going back to work full time when I was done with maternity leave.  I didn't want to, but we just didn't make enough at the time to afford for me to stay at home full time and Kyle working.

When I'm at work, I miss Sophie and Kyle terribly.  In a perfect world, one of us would stay at home full time and the other would work full time.  I know that Kyle would prefer to be the stay at home dad.

being a working mom (my truths):

It's tough waking up every morning, being as quiet as a mouse, kissing Kyle on the forehead because he's still sleeping, kissing the baby monitor before I leave.  Looking at Sophie peacefully sleeping without a care in the world.

I'm leaving too early and getting home too late, there's just not enough time in the day for Sophie time.

I know I look tired everyday, but being a mother can do that sometimes.  Gone are the young, youthful eyes I had, replaced with the tired exhausted eyes of a mother.

I live for the weekends, the two days that I have Sophie and Kyle for myself.  The time spent with them is never long enough.

I hold back tears on some days when Sophie had a rough night before knowing that she could have a rough morning and all she wanted was to be held until she fell asleep in my arms.

Some days I just flat out cry in my car because I question if I'm doing the right thing.

I check my phone constantly to see if Kyle's texted me anything about Sophie or we facetime so that we can all see each other for 15 minutes before she has to go down and I have to get back to work.

There are times, more often than not, that I feel so guilty for working, but nothing makes me feel better knowing that Kyle's home with her.

I come into work disheveled from the lack of sleep I got the night before and hope no one notices, but undoubtedly someone does, and as I smile through my tiredness, I try to ignore the fact that being a mother has made me exhausted to a level I never thought before.

I use my lunch break to see how Sophie is or to call to make doctor's appointment or checking to see if there are any other cheaper options for daycare then the one we've chosen.  But in truth, I'd rather not put Sophie into daycare.

I pretend it doesn't bother me when my co-workers tease me about never going to happy hour or being adventurous, but in reality, I do miss the spontaneity I used to have, and then I feel bad for missing it.

I keep my eyes on the clock all day, and am out the door the moment it hits 4:30PM

Nothing makes me happier after a long day than walking home and seeing Sophie's face light up as she's squealing running to my legs to hug me.

I stay up late after she's gone down to clean up behind Sophie, pick up her toys, start the washer, move the clothes from the dryer, fold clothes, and pick up any other messes I can quietly.

At the end of the day, I go to bed exhausted, sad that the day for Sophie is over, and that I feel like I didn't spend enough time with Sophie before she went to bed.

But to all of my working moms out there - remind yourself, you are doing the right thing, and you are not a bad mom, you are the best mom you can be.  You always will be.  You are a good mom, despite the fact that you think you may not, you are a great mom, but most of all, you are her mom.